My fellow Americans: Events of the past 55 days have taught me some valuable lessons about leadership and I’d like to share those with you tonight.
My fellow Americans, I am completely out of ideas. I am in a job completely over my head, I realize that now, so I will look to some hack right-wing National Review columnist for inspiration.
When the Deepwater Horizon rig blew up and spawned a terrible oil spill on April 22, my administration’s response was conditioned by decades of liberal and leftist thinking about business and government. My background in academia and community activism had never exposed me to the basics of making business decisions or to the fundamentals of a market economy. To the contrary, my friends on the left and I tended to see businessmen, doctors, bankers — pretty much anyone who made a profit — as selfish creeps. “There comes a point when you’ve made enough money,” I scolded, when urging passage of a financial-reform bill.
When the Deepwater Horizon rig blew up and spawned a terrible oil spill on April 22, my administration’s response was conditioned by decades of liberal and leftist thinking about business and government. My background in academia and community activism had never exposed me to the basics of making business decisions or to the fundamentals of a market economy. To the contrary, my friends on the left and I tended to see businessmen, doctors, bankers — pretty much anyone who made a profit — as selfish creeps. “There comes a point when you’ve made enough money,” I scolded, when urging passage of a financial-reform bill.
I'm sorry myself and my minions blew up your oil well and made you face the dark side of petroleum. You see, we Liberals have secret networks set up all over the country. We live separately from the rest of decent society. Some of us live in caves, some of us live in floating cities invisible to the naked eye. We all hate money and have no need for it. We look down on you and your filthy economic system. We do not hold jobs. All businessmen, doctors, bankers, and lawyers are good, god-fearing, conservative Republicans. Liberals merely beam down (or crawl up) to the surface on occasion to star in your 'motion-pictures' or appear at your 'rock concerts' or show up on your 'street corners' to buy your drugs. None of us have any aspirations for personal wealth or accomplishment because we're high all the time. And once in a while, about every four to eight years, one of us will make the effort and steal the Presidency, if only to show you how horrible life is when we run things. May I take this opportunity to apologize for myself and everyone who thinks differently from you.
So when the oil spill became a national story, our instinct was to bash the company. “I am angry and frustrated that BP has been unable to stop the leak,” Interior Secretary Ken Salazar complained. “We’re 33 days in, and deadline after deadline has been missed.” Salazar seemed to believe that BP — which was losing millions of dollars a day, had lost half its market capitalization since April, and was potentially facing ruin if the spill could not be contained — somehow lacked a sense of urgency. “We’re keeping our boot on the neck of BP,” Salazar assured members of Congress.
So when the oil spill became a national story, our instinct was to bash the company. “I am angry and frustrated that BP has been unable to stop the leak,” Interior Secretary Ken Salazar complained. “We’re 33 days in, and deadline after deadline has been missed.” Salazar seemed to believe that BP — which was losing millions of dollars a day, had lost half its market capitalization since April, and was potentially facing ruin if the spill could not be contained — somehow lacked a sense of urgency. “We’re keeping our boot on the neck of BP,” Salazar assured members of Congress.
When the oil spill became a national story we decided to hold the company responsible. That was wrong. I mean, first, it took like maybe 5 or 6 minutes for this to become a national story. I should have stopped the explosion using my mind force shield. I could've saved those 11 oil workers from the explosion and then the press wouldn't have been so interested right out of the gate. That was my bad. And as for blaming the company responsible, again, my bad. It is clear to me now that God caused this disaster to show me what a god fucking awful President I am. And Salazar, that mother fucker is hanging in quarters from the city gates of New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and New Orleans. I believe the rest of my staff has learned the lesson of speaking out of turn.
Going beyond rhetorical overkill, Attorney General Eric Holder announced that the Justice Department had opened a criminal probe into the oil spill — though without offering a shred of evidence that any laws had been broken.
Did I speak too soon? You're next to be quartered, Holder! Look, other countries have laws regulating oil wells. We in America, because we are not socialist commie bastards, trust these companies and have no such laws because industry always does what's right. So, chances are BP didn't really break any laws. I know this, and Eric (what's left of him) knows this for sure. It's all a dog and pony show, and we're sorry for trying to make ourselves look good and make BP waste even more money on legal fees. Besides, BP clearly wasn't responsible, it was God. I see that now.
I piled on, offering that I would have fired Tony Hayward if he had been working for me, and allowing as how I was studying whose derriere to kick. And this leads me to the other problem with our approach.
I'm really sorry the children of America heard me say Ass. I'm sure they have never heard that word before. And besides, it was wrong. I was wrong. I swear, bring me a cat-o-9-tails. I've been a bad boy. I must be beaten. I must be beaten before you, the American people, to atone for my sins. Oh, and I'm sorry I said I'd fire someone who has proven himself to be both arrogant and ineffectual. He runs a big company and I am just the duly elected leader of the free world. My bad. Will someone beat me already! I've been bad!
Because my party and I have a quasi-religious belief in the power of government, I rushed to position myself as the responsible party in this crisis. “I’m the president and the buck stops with me,” I intoned. “It is my job to make sure that everything is done to shut this down. . . . I ultimately take responsibility for solving this crisis.”
I believe the government can solve things. That's why I went into public service. But that was wrong. You see, we democrats believe the government can solve every problem ever and at the same time are completely corrupt assholes that steal every penny of tax money. Or we give it to the 'undeserving' (Amirite, my brothers!.. Um.. excuse me.) Anyway, sorry, it really isn't my fault. It's that Hayward guy's fault! Yeah! Him! Oh, wait... It's not his fault. It's God, He blew it up. But He blew it up because I was bad. So it's my fault. But I'm not supposed to take responsibility, so it's Hayward's fault, but he's a good American, but he's British, But, but but.... Ahhhhhharrrhgghghhehahhahrhahhrhrh!
That was foolish. Just as Jimmy Carter permitted the Iranian regime to take his presidency hostage by making the release of our diplomats his overriding, even obsessive concern, I have permitted this oil spill to swallow my presidency. In truth, I have no idea how to stop the oil spill (as I mentioned to Gulf coast residents), and I should have been more humble about what government can and cannot do.
So, in the 70s the Republicans exploited a national tragedy that was essentially out of everyone's control and (according to some sources) even prolonged it in order to score an important Presidential electoral victory, and now I am following a similar pattern in taking a real tragedy seriously while watching the Republicans exploit it for political gain.... you know, that actually is good advice. Fuck you all.
We certainly can make a terrible situation worse — and I’ve become convinced that the arbitrary six-month moratorium on new deepwater drilling will further damage the already-reeling economies of the Gulf states in addition to the losses being suffered in the fishing and tourism industries.
You see, what caused this crisis is not enough off-shore drilling. It's important to just get back to business as usual and not study the cause of the crisis, or install any more pesky regulation that might cause another. BP is really, really fucking sorry and that really is enough. I mean, they are suffering economically. Their stock is falling! My God! The Humanity! The Humanity!
By demonizing BP and searching for scalps to display in this crisis, I’ve shown poor leadership. I regret that now. Here is the truth:
I suck at my job. Now here is the truth, which half of you will not believe, because I'm a big fat lying liar of a lying person.
Our economy cannot function without fossil fuels — not now and not for the near future (wind, solar, and geothermal fantasies notwithstanding). There is nothing immoral about companies that extract the coal, oil, and gas from the earth — no more than those of us who enjoy air-conditioning, computers, cars, and airplanes are immoral for using those fuels. Perhaps we’ve all learned now that we must take another look at ANWR and shallower waters. Environmentalists did us no favors by agitating for bans on drilling in more accessible sites. At least if a spill happens there, it can be dealt with.
We need OIL. Nothing Else will do. We NEED SWEET SWEET OIL. BLACK GOLD. TEXAS TEA. WE NEED. NEEEEEED. FEED ME, SEYMOUR, FEED ME. Wait... what? Oh, right. Fuck off, Hippies. If you'd listened to the Tea-partyers we would've been drilling in Alaska where there would've been no damage to the environment whatsoever! And if you can find me one McCain/Palin/teaparty person who was in favor of off-shore drilling, well, I'll show you a commie plant! Oh, and Hippies Suck! Amirite! Can I get an Amen! God did it! I suck!
But most of all, we must, as grown-ups, recognize that sometimes terrible things happen and there is no one to blame. The search for villains is unbecoming to a mature people. My administration will drop the criminal probe. We will abandon the paradoxical posture of saying that we are responsible for the response to the spill yet at the same time hurling thunderbolts at BP. Every government asset that can be mobilized to help with this mess will be made available. Our job is to ensure that the more than twelve government agencies cooperating to mitigate the damage (including OSHA, the Coast Guard, EPA, FEMA, NOAA, Interior, and the U.S. GeologicalSurvey) will not impede one another or BP.
God did it. Christ, can't you see that? Not the people who built the well. Not the people who ignored safety concerns to spare a few bucks. How dare we, as a society, hold the people who may (or may not) have done something guilty based on MERE EVIDENCE! Are we a GOD fearing People or NOT!? God Hates ME and He Blew up the Well! Christ, Lord Jesus, Can't you See that!? Oh, and we need the government agencies (OSHA, the Coast Guard, EPA, FEMA, NOAA, Interior and the U.S. Geological Survey) to help pick up the tab so BP can get back to business with as little interruption to their cash flow as possible. And, as President, I swear to you, I will start to dismantle all these agencies as soon as this crisis is over because clearly they aren't doing anything important.
I won the confidence of many voters by showing that I didn’t lose my head in the midst of the financial crisis of 2008. In response to the Gulf spill, I forgot that. I’ve tried bullying, boasting, threatening, and emoting. I now understand that the best course is one I’ve never considered for myself or my political philosophy — modesty.
Despite the media, left and right, calling for me to show more emotion and anger, clearly I've been losing my head. I've been a bully and a boaster and a threatener and an emoter and trying to get BP to pay for something that was clearly, I say now, Brothers and Sister, GOD'S FUCKING FAULT! And, I, the leader of the free world, a person of immense and almost unfathomable ambition and drive, as are all Presidents (excluding, perhaps, those who inherited the position... cough cough... )..... where was I? Oh, yes, I've been too, pompous, too ambitious, too UPPITY. I will take care to remember that I am not 'all that' and just let the people at the National Review Online, who clearly have my best interest in mind, dictate my responses. I am slime. I am wrong. God Bless BP, God Bless you, and God Bless America.
